It's Hard To Be Sad

Ever notice how your little ones or big ones with Down syndrome just have a way of making you smile. Even on the toughest most miserable days Miss Em will give me that silly sideways glance, that look she has that says, "I'm about to be up to something". I just melt when she does that.

Sometimes when I come home from driving everyone , everywhere, through hideous traffic, Miss Em will greet me with a clear and sweet, "hi",accompanied with the biggest smile she can muster. How can I not relax and feel the tension just drain from my body after a greeting like that.

But,

When I was still pregnant with Em, I remember wondering why God would do this to me. Why would He give me a child with Down syndrome. I remember being so flippin mad at Him. Wasn't my life hard enough, didn't we have enough problems! We needed help from him and this was how He answered us. I even had my closed fist raised to heaven, demanding an explanation. I crumbled to the floor out of complete exhaustion and wept like I never wept before. A sorrowful, mournful cry. I'll never forget it.

I can't even go back to that moment without crying. it's still so vivid.

Peter came and picked me up off the floor, and I remember telling him, God is going to hate me now, for speaking to Him like that. I'm going to hell for sure. I was completely irrational. Looking back now I probably had a complete breakdown.

For the rest of my pregnancy I had good days and bad days. I heard God whisper to me that it would be okay, and then there also were times of silence. Days when I felt all alone.

Then Em was born and there was joy like I had never known and honestly never expected.

I'm no longer wondering how or why God did this to me, why God gave me this child with Down syndrome. I know! I know it's because I had enough problems in my life, my life was hard enough, and we asked Him for help. Out of despair I had demanded an explanation from God, and out of love He gave me one. Emilia Faith.

The days since Em's birth have been paved with difficulties, stress, and unsureness. But it's hard to be sad for long when this Angel is hugging you.