A Month of Wondering.. Is Today Her Birthday

April. 

What it means to most people is Spring!  April is always a much anticipated month, especially after this Winter. 

It means Easter. And a Holiday, school vacation and new life shooting up from a thawing ground. I was married in April. My anniversary used to be the most significant event the month of April brought with it.

But now, April fills me with a hidden sadness.

My Little Love was born this month.

Carina is in Russia. An orphan. Forgotten by all. Trapped there by a useless ban on Adoptions.

She was born in April. I don't know the day. So everyday, I wish her a Happy Birthday. 

I know no one will celebrate her. There will be no cake, no gifts or even an extra hug. I doubt that whoever cares for her even knows when she was born or cares to know.

But there are two woman in this world who will be thinking about Carina on the same day this month.

Me and her birth mother. 

I cannot imagine that she has forgotten the day her daughter was born. I have no idea the circumstances surrounding Carina's birth. Her mother was probably young and scared. Most likely she was advised by doctors that her child,  born with Down syndrome,  would be better off in an orphanage. Children like this don't "belong" in society as they will amount to nothing. 

Maybe she longed to keep her... maybe she never looked back. 

But she let her go. And I took Carina into my heart.

And there she will stay.. I've claimed her as mine. A spiritual adoption. One Putin has no say over. One I don't need the State to declare me fit for. No one wanted her but me, so I took her and she lives in my heart. 

This Christmas I was gifted with a new photo of my girl.

She turns 7 this month. Four long years of longing for this baby girl. 

April will never be the same for me. To most people, the ban on adoptions is all but a distant memory. Life goes on. New stories take precedence. The children get lost. Even more lost than they already were.  But to those who love them, it's like it happened yesterday. We will never be able to forget. One day Russia will reopen, and they will come home. I believe that with my whole heart. But until then April will be thirty days of wondering..  is today her birthday? 

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

Mama loves you more...