Something's Changed Part I

Something feels different this year. This year beyond a shadow of a doubt has been the toughest year financially for us. I think I say this every year, only to be proven wrong the following year. But seriously this was the one.

The stress and frustration added to the everyday mix of life was excruciating at times. I came to depend on this blog as an outlet, a place where I could express my fears and hopes and yes, joys. Because in the mist of all the difficulties there were joys. 

But what's different this year, especially right now during the Christmas season is... me. Usually I'm wrapped up in making everything perfect. I like perfect. I like organized.  I have five kids two cats and one husband in a small house. I'm trying to achieve the impossible!  But this year I have my sights on something else. Something more important than decorations and shopping and what Christmas is supposed to look like...


The only way I made it through this year (and we aren't through it yet), was to cling to Jesus. And I mean cling like a cat with her claws out... I'm not letting go no matter how hard you shake your arm!  He was my refuge and my hope.  I had no one else who could guide me through some days. 


But somehow in the middle of all the clinging and begging  and praying, and yes there were the days when I just had, had it, and yelled at Jesus, "Why are you letting this happen to us, haven't we been through enough"!
Of course, that statement was always followed by, " I know, you're not doing this to us, I just needed to yell at someone". In the middle of all this I changed. I could see a glimpse of where Jesus was leading us. Just a glimpse. And I got excited.  I could feel we were near the end of this long and difficult time. My faith grew stronger, I could hear Gods voice clearer. I could feel His protective arms around us. 


All these incredibly difficult times were not in vain. The struggles all made us stronger. Every single challenge and set back has had it's purpose. Every person placed in our lives was a deliberate act by God. I can see the pieces fitting into place. Oh Jesus loves to keep secrets and surprise us. And He is patient! And meticulous. He takes joy in the tiniest of details. 




Jesus has been very busy in our lives. Not just mine but Peter's as well. We know what we are supposed to do.  I always had this fear, that I would live and die and not accomplish what Jesus wanted from me. I could never figure it out. I have heard people say, "This is what I was born to do! I know this is my calling "! I never felt that. I did however feel that something was missing. I could feel it had to do with children. I figured it was to be a mother. But even with the great joy that being a mom brings to me everyday, I felt that that was just a piece, it wasn't the whole thing.  Then Miss Em was born and I thought, AHA! I was born to be a special needs advocate. And yes, that was another piece, but still something was missing...