The Very Beginning
This is probably the last thing we did as a family before Emilia was born. We went apple picking, it was the end of September, 2008 right after Olivia's birthday party, and no Lacey we do not have our own orchard. Although that is my husbands dream. Anyway you can see how pregnant I am in this picture. There is a smile on my face but such confusion in my heart. There was always a dark cloud following me around. If I was having a good time like in this picture I would suddenly remember" Hey your life is coming to an abrupt end, you can't be happy". And boy would that thought bring on a mood! Usually a poor me meltdown. I had some real whoopers. The unknown is a scary place, and even though I had a very supportive husband and friends I felt like no one really knew what I was going through. I was the one carrying this baby, I was the one who felt her move, I was the one dealing with doctors who I swear couldn't stand seeing me hang on to any hope. (that's another post, I have to stretch this out all month). ME, ME ME. It's all about me, right? Oh no princess it's not all about you!(who said that?) The sooner I figured that out the better off everyone was. But I didn't figure that out until the day before Emilia was born, October 21st. I thought this would be my last doctors appointment, my due date was Oct 24th. It was a beautiful morning, I remember dropping the kids at school and heading straight to the doctors, thankful for an early morning appointment. Get in, get out, get on with my day. But something was wrong..
So much for my quick doctors visit. I went through the normal routine check up. Not much to do when your due any minute. I was practically on my way out when the doctor asked me why I didn't have an ultra sound done the last time I was in.(There are a group of doctors in the building so I rarely see the same one) She noticed it had been a month since my last one. I was having an ultrasound every two weeks to follow dilated renal tubes.OK, I don't know the answer to that question. Maybe because I was close to my due date and everything was going pretty good the last doctor didn't think it was necessary. Well she thought since I was there I should have one. OK, remember I'm still in the "it's all about me" mode. This is killing my day. So here we go, u/s done , waiting for the doc to give me the thumbs up and I'm outta there. The doctor came back into the exam room and the look on her face said it all. Somethings wrong. She immediately asked me if my water broke. DAH, of course not, I obviously would have known and told you. How can you not know if your water broke, you'd be wet! Well I must of had a slow leak or something because there was almost no amniotic fluid left. She gave the baby a stress test. Not bad but not really great, That was the result. Still not completely sure what that meant. After the test she told me she wanted me to go to the hospital to be induced.There was no way of knowing how long the baby has been without fluid. She wanted the baby out. OMG, wait! I have kids at school, one getting out as we speak(Andrew at noon) the others at 3:00, I can't just go to the hospital. She gave me about two hours to pull things together and get myself admitted. Of course I called Peter to get Andrew, and explain what was going on. I stayed amazingly calm. That was until I left the office and got into my car.That's when it hit me like a ton of bricks. I COULD LOOSE THIS BABY!
I want this baby, I am not going to loose this baby now. No stinkin way! Do you hear me God!!! This baby is mine ! This baby has a family waiting at home! There's no way something is going to happen to this baby three days before her due date! I sat there completely hysterical and alone, praying. I finally saw at that moment that I really did love this baby,much more than I let myself think I did. I had built a strong wall not letting all my love for her in, just to protect ...ME! God came a knockin' and kicked that wall down. I finally saw that it wasn't all about poor me.It never was.It was about the baby. This baby that was in distress right now. This baby that I loved, no matter what.No, Princess it's not all about you(that was God speaking) By the time I got home I was completely calm. I just told Peter we had to go and everything was going to be OK.
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