So What Exactly Did I mean by That

Anyone who read my last post regarding my Beautiful Blogger Award knows I had to list seven interesting things about myself. Number seven was," I always knew I would have a baby with Ds".
What does that mean? Beats me. I've had this post floating around in my head for a long time, but never really knew how to write it. And maybe I was waiting long enough to strengthen our
"Bloggers Bond" so you all wouldn't think I was certifiable. Whatever the reason I can't shake the feeling to write about it, so I guess I'll just wing it. And who knows, maybe you all had the same feeling too.

Since I was very young. Even before I was married, I had a feeling that "something" was up.
but I couldn't put my finger on it. I always wanted a big family and I always wanted to adopt. Of course I always wanted to give birth to children too. A lot of wants, I know.

I was overwhelmed as a child to take care of the "unwanted". Be it animals, strays were always crossing my path, children, I needed to make unhappy children smile. I couldn't stand seeing someone alone at recess. Even adults as I got older, people in need seemed to gravitate towards me.

When I was younger and would see a child or even an adult , anyone really with a disability or in a wheelchair I would immediately ask God to cure them. I remember thinking if I had one wish it would be that they could walk, or talk or have no pain.
I was drawn to them. I could never figure out why. And I could never figure out why I was always the one who felt the urge to be the "nice guy". Sometimes I just didn't want to find another kitten or baby bird or sacrifice being made fun of because I was talking to the kid no one else would.

As I got older and married and we decided it was time to start a family I didn't feel any real anxiety about having a baby. Only the normal excitement. I held my breath at my u/s appointment thinking" Please God I can't handle anything but a healthy baby". But we all say that.

I had a text book pregnancy and went on with life. Then along came Sophia and Bella and Andrew, all healthy , all easy pregnancies. The thought that something was "up" kind of took a back seat. I got a little bit cocky I guess. Baby after baby being born with the greatest of ease. I even got pregnant exactly when I wanted to. No waiting , no stressing.

We had finally gotten the boy and I thought as did Peter that we were done. I shook off that "feeling" as just a vivid imagination. I mean nothing happened, my kids were all fine.So, I waited for that "done" feeling that my friends all had. The feeling you get when you know you don't want anymore kids, when holding someone else's baby is good enough, when you couldn't imagine dealing with feedings and diapers all over again. I waited and waited but it never came.

What came was that old "feeling" again. The urge for another baby and the feeling that something would be "wrong" were overwhelming. What do I do? What is God telling me? At first I thought He was telling me to be happy with the healthy kids I had. But why did I still have an aching for another one? Well we forged ahead and decided to try for another, and I kept these crazy feelings to myself. Seriously who would believe me if I said I think God wants me to have another baby and I also think there is going to be something wrong with him/ her! Wacko!!!

Well we tried for a year and a half. That's a long time! I was about to give up. I just couldn't take the roller coaster ride anymore. I battled back and forth with the decision. Maybe I misunderstood God. Maybe he didn't want me to have another baby. I was driving myself nuts.
Meanwhile I had come to the conclusion that if I had this baby he/ she would most definitely have Ds, that I was sure of ,and I didn't want a baby with Ds. I can't explain how I knew that except that God told me, and I didn't particularly want to hear that.
And all I could think was that He had been training me for this my whole life. Everything kind of fell into place, and I was terrified. Why me? But even knowing all this I still wanted another baby. The logical part of me way saying " just dismiss those crazy thoughts, you can easily have another healthy baby. Down syndrome won't happen to you. I tried very hard to listen to that part of my brain.
I convinced myself I was over reacting.


January of 2008 I told God now or never. I want this baby no matter what but I'm not going to try anymore after this month. January 2008, I was pregnant with Emilia.

The second I found out I just knew our lives were in for a drastic change. I didn't tell anyone,except for Peter of course that I was pregnant for almost four months. I just knew something was wrong. When I couldn't hide my pregnancy any longer we told the kids and gave them the thumbs up to spread the word. Just a few days later I went for my level two u/s. I was an absolute wreck that morning. I just knew what was coming. I knew it like I know my own name.

The technician came in and did her thing, then in came the doctor followed by you know who... the "wonderful" genetic counselor. No words needed but he said them anyway. echogenic bowel...soft marker... Down syndrome.

I wanted to scream I KNOW, I KNOW, SHUT UP!!!!! I KNEW BEFORE YOU DID! I'VE KNOWN FOREVER!!! NOW LEAVE ME ALONE!!!

I don't even know how I made it through that stupid talk with the counselor or the ride home . I just remember frantically trying to figure out how to turn back time. I'm not even kidding. For a few completely insane moments I distinctly remember thinking there must be a way to go back.

But go back to what? If this is Gods will then I could go back to the garden of Eden, and still end up right where I am now.

Knowing all this did not in any way help me to accept my situation. I was mad. And scared, and filled with despair.
It wasn't until Emilia's birth that I finally accepted Gods will and felt at peace. If you're new to my blog you can read about that here.

Of course hind sight is twenty- twenty, and I could have saved myself a lot of grief is I just accepted Gods will and had faith. But I think... no, I know things happened the way they did because that's how I needed them to happen. My faith is 100 times stronger now.

God does have a flair for the dramatic and I've learned to just follow His lead.