Thursday, October 8, 2009

The Hand Of God




I couldn't possibly make that post any longer yesterday, buy adding the feelings I'm about to share right now. I feel that this deserves a post all it's own. When we had Andrew in November of 03', I thought we were done. I mean we got the boy! The golden child was born. Our family was complete. But I never had that "done feeling" that my friends expressed. It just didn't sit right with me. I wasn't at peace with our decision . Plus, everytime I would look at the kids all together doing something there was one missing. There was always an empty spot. I would think, "another child would look good in that mix, or when we were all watching TV, there would be an empty spot on the floor or couch. I kept getting the feeling it needed to be filled. There was also an empty spot in my heart. You should have seen Peter's face when I told him that one! But I think he felt the same. Anyway it was agreed upon, let's have another one, besides Andrew could use a baby brother.
I have always gotten pregnant immediately, there was never a problem. I figured this would be the same as all the others. Well, month after month we tried and nothing. One year and nothing. I even went to my doctors, sure something was wrong. Nothing! You're fine. I prayed and prayed, then doubted and doubted. Maybe God doesn't agree with our decision. Maybe He thinks we have enough kids. But why would I have such a longing for another child.
Finally after a year and a half of trying. I had to have a serious sit down with God. In my bedroom I have the most beautiful crucifix, it was given to my father-in -law, by a friend, who received it from a priest from Germany. So it's been around . Miracle it hasn't been lost or broken in all these years. But I just sat there, and spoke . I said, "Jesus, you know how much we want another child. But I can't go through this anymore. Hoping every month and then the let down. it's too much. it's now or never. If I don't get pregnant this month , I'm done. I'm not going to try anymore." I, in my whole life, don't think I ever heard a more clear response from God. I immediately heard, not in a voice but like a sentence being written in my head. I heard, "Do you want this child , no matter what"? Somehow I new that was a trick question, but I did, so,"I said YES" Emilia was conceived that month. It was January, 2008.
When we got the word about DS being a very likely possibility, that conversation with God came rushing back. So this is what he meant.
OK, let's go ahead to the moment she was born. I had warned Peter that if this baby did indeed have Ds , be prepared because I was going to loose it! I was certain I would crumble, I didn't even know if I would be able to hold her. I did love her, but I was so scared.
Well, they put her in my arms and at that moment I felt every piece of stress and fear and doubt just disappear. I felt a love enfold around me, A love that could only come from God. I could say I felt His arms holding me as I was holding Emilia. And the joy I felt for her at that moment has never left. I wish I could paint or draw because the picture in my head is so great. The labor and delivery room full of nurses and the doctor, Peter, equipment, but the picture in my head is just me and Emilia, and Jesus siting on the bed with us, with such a smile. A smile that you would give to a child ,like "see, I told you it would be OK". It was the most precious moment of my life. The closest I've ever felt to Jesus. A gift I will treasure forever.

16 comments:

Adrienne said...

Wow Stephanie, I got the chills reading that. That is such a great story you have! Emilia is such a beautiful little girl and God knew what He was doing when He gave her to you and your family.

I love the new fall picture of her btw-gorgeous!

LizBeth said...

Amen!

Rebecca said...

Love it. You had already told me bits & pieces of your story with Em, but I loved reading it all together. What a great testimony of how God works, how He speaks to us, how children are such amazing blessings just filling our hearts to overflowing. I was afraid to love Olivia too. It's so crazy to read someone else say the same thing.

Thanks for sharing Em with the rest of us :>)

Lacey said...

Gettin goose bumps on my arms. What a great story!

Denise said...

Hi Steph...I am here!! Thanks for checking in on me. I have had limited time to be on the computer and then with everyone posting daily (except me), I am so overwhelmed and behind in my blog commenting. I have been able to read most of them but haven't had time to do much commenting. So back to your post....WOW!!! That is a story of Faith if ever I heard one. God was really testing you. And I think you have passed with flying colors. You couldn't be a better mom to sweet Emmie!!! Keep up the story....I am LOVING it!!

Denise said...

Oh and I have been meaning to comment about that great picture you have as your header now....I just love her!! And I want to copy your idea but I don't have any cute sweater like that.

Lori said...

What a lovely and inspiring story! Thanks for sharing it with us =)

boltefamily said...

WOW! What an amazing post. I struggle myself right now with the idea of being done having children. I just don't feel done. Even after all we have been through I cannot imagine Hope being the last. I love her so much but I never have that done feeling I hear you get. I have no idea what it means but I pray God makes his plan clear to me as he did for you! What a blessing that sweet girl is!

Tina said...

I'm quite speechless at how similar our stories are...a bit spooky when I think of it, I can't believe it. Before Saira's birth I felt this big void and I desperately wanted another baby for us as a family for my son as an only child. We tried for over a year and nothing, I even went and saw a doctor and there too everything was fine, then in October of 2007 I said ok this is it I am just trying till the end of the year if I don't conceive this year I am putting this project behind me, I am not meant to have another one, and I wont keep pushing it any longer, it was a kind of conversation I had in my mind with The greater power, and in November, i.e. the next month I realised I was pregnant. I kept feeling that God was telling me, ok so you so desperately want a child, but are you prepared at any cost? Are you ready for the challenge? I have thought about this so many time, and now when I read your story it all came back to me so vividly. WOW!!!! I truely believe with all my heart that we were all chosen to be mother's to the children we have, God blessed us with them because he felt we deserved these beautiful children.

Tausha said...

Thanks for sharing your story, it was beautiful. What a great connection you have with God. Yoru Emilia is beautiful as are your other children.

Emily said...

What a beautiful story and an abundant amount of faith you have! Emilia was placed in a very loving home!

Jeana said...

that was absolutely beautiful. Thanks so much for sharing your story. I just love it.

scrappy quilter said...

I got goosebumps reading this along with tears. Beautiful post!!

Michelle said...

Oh my Lord, I'm almost in tears. We have so much in common that I cannot even describe in this comment...

still have to keep catching up on your blog..

Mom Of Many said...

I got all teary when I read what the Lord had asked you before you became pregnant. Such a wonderful Memorial Box Monday kind of story...

And so thrilled that your treasure is so precious!! xo

Chris said...

Simply divine.

I am so glad that you found that inner peace. It is a gift to truly feel and be comforted by the hand of God.
Your faith is obviously very strong. God was listening to you and you heard what he was saying...a testament of true faith.