The Hand Of God
I couldn't possibly make that post any longer yesterday, buy adding the feelings I'm about to share right now. I feel that this deserves a post all it's own. When we had Andrew in November of 03', I thought we were done. I mean we got the boy! The golden child was born. Our family was complete. But I never had that "done feeling" that my friends expressed. It just didn't sit right with me. I wasn't at peace with our decision . Plus, everytime I would look at the kids all together doing something there was one missing. There was always an empty spot. I would think, "another child would look good in that mix, or when we were all watching TV, there would be an empty spot on the floor or couch. I kept getting the feeling it needed to be filled. There was also an empty spot in my heart. You should have seen Peter's face when I told him that one! But I think he felt the same. Anyway it was agreed upon, let's have another one, besides Andrew could use a baby brother.
I have always gotten pregnant immediately, there was never a problem. I figured this would be the same as all the others. Well, month after month we tried and nothing. One year and nothing. I even went to my doctors, sure something was wrong. Nothing! You're fine. I prayed and prayed, then doubted and doubted. Maybe God doesn't agree with our decision. Maybe He thinks we have enough kids. But why would I have such a longing for another child.
Finally after a year and a half of trying. I had to have a serious sit down with God. In my bedroom I have the most beautiful crucifix, it was given to my father-in -law, by a friend, who received it from a priest from Germany. So it's been around . Miracle it hasn't been lost or broken in all these years. But I just sat there, and spoke . I said, "Jesus, you know how much we want another child. But I can't go through this anymore. Hoping every month and then the let down. it's too much. it's now or never. If I don't get pregnant this month , I'm done. I'm not going to try anymore." I, in my whole life, don't think I ever heard a more clear response from God. I immediately heard, not in a voice but like a sentence being written in my head. I heard, "Do you want this child , no matter what"? Somehow I new that was a trick question, but I did, so,"I said YES" Emilia was conceived that month. It was January, 2008.
When we got the word about DS being a very likely possibility, that conversation with God came rushing back. So this is what he meant.
OK, let's go ahead to the moment she was born. I had warned Peter that if this baby did indeed have Ds , be prepared because I was going to loose it! I was certain I would crumble, I didn't even know if I would be able to hold her. I did love her, but I was so scared.
Well, they put her in my arms and at that moment I felt every piece of stress and fear and doubt just disappear. I felt a love enfold around me, A love that could only come from God. I could say I felt His arms holding me as I was holding Emilia. And the joy I felt for her at that moment has never left. I wish I could paint or draw because the picture in my head is so great. The labor and delivery room full of nurses and the doctor, Peter, equipment, but the picture in my head is just me and Emilia, and Jesus siting on the bed with us, with such a smile. A smile that you would give to a child ,like "see, I told you it would be OK". It was the most precious moment of my life. The closest I've ever felt to Jesus. A gift I will treasure forever.