Thursday, May 12, 2011

It's Hard To Be Sad

Ever notice how your little ones or big ones with Down syndrome just have a way of making you smile. Even on the toughest most miserable days Miss Em will give me that silly sideways glance, that look she has that says, "I'm about to be up to something". I just melt when she does that.

Sometimes when I come home from driving everyone , everywhere, through hideous traffic, Miss Em will greet me with a clear and sweet, "hi",accompanied with the biggest smile she can muster. How can I not relax and feel the tension just drain from my body after a greeting like that.

But,

When I was still pregnant with Em, I remember wondering why God would do this to me. Why would He give me a child with Down syndrome. I remember being so flippin mad at Him. Wasn't my life hard enough, didn't we have enough problems! We needed help from him and this was how He answered us. I even had my closed fist raised to heaven, demanding an explanation. I crumbled to the floor out of complete exhaustion and wept like I never wept before. A sorrowful, mournful cry. I'll never forget it.

I can't even go back to that moment without crying. it's still so vivid.

Peter came and picked me up off the floor, and I remember telling him, God is going to hate me now, for speaking to Him like that. I'm going to hell for sure. I was completely irrational. Looking back now I probably had a complete breakdown.

For the rest of my pregnancy I had good days and bad days. I heard God whisper to me that it would be okay, and then there also were times of silence. Days when I felt all alone.

Then Em was born and there was joy like I had never known and honestly never expected.

I'm no longer wondering how or why God did this to me, why God gave me this child with Down syndrome. I know! I know it's because I had enough problems in my life, my life was hard enough, and we asked Him for help. Out of despair I had demanded an explanation from God, and out of love He gave me one. Emilia Faith.

The days since Em's birth have been paved with difficulties, stress, and unsureness. But it's hard to be sad for long when this Angel is hugging you.






7 comments:

Rochelle said...

Sweet tears reading this my friend. Love you!

Robin E. said...

This is so lovely! And such a sweet picture of Miss Em!

Shona said...

Thank you for your post. It's words of encouragement like this that help me get through those tough days. I am 6 months pregnant with a little girl that has been diagnosed with Down Syndrome. The closer we get, the less real it seems at times and then other times, I am scared to death.

So thank you. thank you for sharing and thank you for being honest.

Shona

Scrappy quilter said...

AMEN!!! God gave you exactly what you needed...a little princess who touches the lives of everyone she comes in contact with. What a blessing. Hugs

Lacey said...

Sometimes I'm so grateful that I didn't know anything before Jax was born. I would have worried and worried, and it would have ruined the pregnancy. Although even when he was born, I still didn't have the sorrow that most people do at first. I don't know why, I'm weird I guess! But I know I wouldn't change him for the world!!

The VW's said...

This post made me cry. I love how you said, Why would God give me this when I have enough problems?......., but then you realized that this is exactly why He did give Em to you! SO TRUE!

Being around Gavin, even with all that he requires of me, he is the light of my life, and because of him, I am given tremendous joy, even when the days are long and difficult! Our special kiddos are given to us because we TRULY needed them!

Love and Hugs!!!

Melissa said...

There will always be hard times, but it sure is hard to be sad when greeted with such beautiful smiles!