I never thought I would not want to blog anymore. I never thought that I would lose interest or not have the energy to even put the computer on. I never thought I would experience being completely burnt out!
I won't lie here friends, it's been a tough time for us. Peter has been searching day and night for a job for going on two years. Financially we are in pieces. And I believe with my whole heart the only reason we are not on the streets is because God has His hands on us. The stress has absolutely taken over our lives. I feel like we are walking on a sheet of thin, cracked glass and at any moment it's all going to give way and we will fall into some black hole. And on some days I feel like stomping on that thin glass to make it shatter to just get it over with!
It sucks to live like this! It sucks to watch your husband apply for job after job after job, and not get one. He's a freaking genius! He's one of those spooky smart people that can do everything. His mind is like a flippin' computer.
It sucks to see the stress taking it's toll on your children. They can't go places , they need things. And we can't supply it. And that pisses me off!
It sucks to know that people are talking behind your back! Whispering ,"He still isn't working? How are they surviving? What's wrong with him, why doesn't he get a job?"
It sucks to worry every single moment of every single day!
It sucks to be accused of putting Emmie in half day preschool so I could stay home and not have to work. Yeah that really happened! And just for the record there is no full day preschool in her school!
But you know what doesn't suck?
That through all of this, this freaking nightmare we've been calling "life", through all of it and because of it, my faith has grown leaps and bounds.
These past four years, beginning from when we found out Miss Em would be born with "extra-ness" we have been challenged and tested in ways I never dreamed of. Not just financially. Since Em was born, our eyes have been opened to the plight of orphans with special needs. Our hearts completely broken.We have an inability to look away. We cannot ignore it or pass the problem to someone else. And that is challenging! It's hard and it's frustrating! It would be so easy to say a prayer for them and move on. But that's not Gods plan for us.
Sometimes I feel like heaven and hell are in a tug of war over us. And admittedly I've been furious at God. Furious that we have been left in the dust. That we can't get a break. That others cruise through life never knowing hardship. But then I think of how God is working in our lives.
If it weren't for all these impossible times we are going through, my faith would not be where it is today.
I wouldn't have developed the compassion I now have for others. I would not have learned to never, ever judge anyone. No matter what "it looks like", from the outside. You have no idea what's going on in peoples lives.
If it weren't for these challenges we are facing we would still be living in a "me" world. We have done without so much for so long that our mentalities have completely changed. We don't need or want so much of what we had.
God stripped us down to nothing to rebuild us to serve Him. We weren't headed in the right direction. Somewhere, even though we thought we were being "Good Christians" we made a wrong turn. We weren't serving Him in the way He wanted us to. I honestly believe He had to just completely remodel us.
I like who I am now. I am a better person then I was four years ago.I'm a stronger... much stronger person than I was. And my priorities are in order.
My way of thinking has changed so drastically. I used to be a total shopaholic! Big time! Now I just can't justify it. Don't get me wrong, I love a good sale and going to the mall still stirs butterflies in my stomach. But the need to spend money on something that I don't need is gone. I'd rather put into someones FSP.
Even Peter who since he was old enough to sit up on his own has wanted a Mercedes, thinks differently now. Now he sees one and thinks , that car could fully fund an adoption for someone.
So I guess what I'm getting at here is , God is working in our lives every single second. And I believe the tough times are when He is working the hardest because He sees our potential.
If you are going through something that seems overwhelming and insurmountable, don't run from Jesus.
Double time it into His arms.
Trust Him, because He always has a plan. And don't try to figure it out because I also think He loves the element of surprise!!!
We're digging our fingernails in. Clinging to Jesus, and not giving up!
For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.
~ Philippians 4:13, NLT