Saturday, June 2, 2012

Crawling Back Up To the Surface

I never thought I would not want to blog anymore. I never thought that I would lose interest or not have the energy to even put the computer on. I never thought I would experience being completely burnt out!

I won't lie here friends, it's been a tough time for us. Peter has been searching day and night for a job for going on two years. Financially we are in pieces. And I believe with my whole heart the only reason we are not on the streets is because God has His hands on us. The stress has absolutely taken over our lives. I feel like we are walking on a sheet of thin, cracked glass and at any moment it's all going to give way and we will fall into some black hole. And on some days I feel like stomping on that thin glass to make it shatter to just get it over with!

It sucks to live like this! It sucks to watch your husband apply for job after job after job, and not get one. He's a freaking genius! He's one of those spooky smart people that can do everything. His mind is like a flippin' computer.

It sucks to see the stress taking it's toll on your children. They can't go places , they need things. And we can't supply it. And that pisses me off!

It sucks to know that people are talking behind your back! Whispering ,"He still isn't working? How are they surviving? What's wrong with him, why doesn't he get a job?" 

It sucks to worry every single moment of every single day!

It sucks to be accused of putting Emmie in half day preschool so I could stay home and not have to work. Yeah that really happened! And just for the record there is no full day preschool in her school!

But you know what doesn't suck?

That through all of this, this freaking nightmare we've been calling "life", through all of it and because of it, my faith has grown leaps and bounds.

These past four years, beginning from when we found out Miss Em would be born with "extra-ness" we have been challenged and tested in ways I never dreamed of. Not just financially. Since Em was born, our eyes have been opened to the plight of orphans  with special needs. Our hearts completely broken.We have an inability to look away. We cannot ignore it or pass the problem to someone else. And that is challenging! It's hard and it's frustrating! It would be so easy to say a prayer for them and move on. But that's not Gods plan for us.

Sometimes I feel like heaven and hell are in a tug of war over us. And admittedly I've been furious at God. Furious that we have been left in the dust. That we can't get a break.  That others cruise through life never knowing hardship. But then I think of how God is working in our lives.

If it weren't for all these impossible times we are going through, my faith would not be where it is today.
I wouldn't have developed the compassion I now have for others. I would not have learned to never, ever judge anyone. No matter what "it looks like", from the outside.  You have no idea what's going on in peoples lives.

If it weren't for these challenges we are facing we would still be living in a "me" world. We have done without so much for so long that our mentalities have completely changed. We don't need or want so much of what we had.

God stripped us down to nothing to rebuild us to serve Him. We weren't headed in the right direction. Somewhere, even though we thought we were being "Good Christians" we made a wrong turn.  We weren't serving Him in the way He wanted us to. I honestly believe He had to just completely remodel us.

I like who I am now. I am a better person then I was four years ago.I'm a stronger... much stronger person than I was. And my priorities are in order.

My way of thinking has changed so drastically. I used to be a total shopaholic! Big time! Now I just can't justify it. Don't get me wrong, I love a good sale and going to the mall still stirs butterflies in my stomach. But the need to spend money on something that I don't need is gone. I'd rather put into someones FSP.

Even Peter who since he was old enough to sit up on his own has wanted a Mercedes, thinks differently now. Now he sees one and thinks , that car could fully fund an adoption for someone.

So I guess what I'm getting at here is , God is  working in our lives every single second. And I believe the tough times are when He is working the hardest because He sees our potential. 
If you are going through something that seems overwhelming and insurmountable, don't run from Jesus. 

Double time it into His arms. 

Trust Him, because He always has a plan. And don't try to figure it out because I also think He loves the element of surprise!!!

We're digging our fingernails in. Clinging to Jesus, and not giving up! 

For I can do everything through Christ, who gives me strength.

~ Philippians 4:13, NLT



Rochelle said...

Love you my friend, praying daily for His path to be shown clearly to you and for His sweet provisions to rain down on your family.

Ellie said...

I don't have any great words of wisdom, just a line telling you that I know how you feel. We've been there before. My husband quit his job at a company to be a subcontractor (doing the exact same thing), having been promised by this "friend" who had started his own company that he would pay him more. Over time the checks came fewer and farther between, and eventually stopped. The first house we bought together was foreclosed on, and we had nothing. I had trouble of my own, as I have always struggled with some mental health issues and they flare their heads during times of stress. He found a new job and we starting renting again, only to have my problems get so big that we were nearly evicted. Two angels wrote us two checks totaling almost $3000 to save our asses, and ever since then we have an iron clad resolve to NEVER let ourselves get into such financial mess again. We had children during all of this, and that is the worst feeling in the world--tiny people who depend on you for everything. The problems from that year of subcontracting plagued us for years in the form of federal taxes we owed on the checks my husband did receive that year.
I really hope your husband finds a job soon. Good luck:)

The VW's said...

I've been thinking about you and wondering if all was ok! I'm sorry times have been so hard for your family! You definitely keep a great attitude, considering the financial struggle you are going through! I'll be praying that your husband can find a job, and that you will feel at peace and be provided for until then.

It's so difficult to go through trying times and wonder, "Why?!" and watch others go through this life without a care in the world! I pray that God will show you His plan and continue to provide for all of you. Love, Hugs and Prayers!

Zoey's mom, Heather said...

Sending love across the miles my sweet friend. Awe inspired by your faith and determination to persevere despite circumstance and well, suckiness. Is that a word?? Anyway,I am here and will continue to be. Supporting you and Peter in whatever way I can. In prayer or a listening ear. Whatever.

You will all find your way. You all will.

Runningmama said...

Gosh, I hate that you have to go through all of this! I will be praying that things will get better, and for your husband to find a great job. This must be really hard for you. I love how you are choosing to see it though, it's amazing that you are still able to see God working on you even though you must be so tired!

Jeana said...

Stephanie, I'm so sorry for the struggles your family has been facing and pray pray pray that things will work out for you and your family soon. You are such an inspiration to so many and are loved by so many. I hope you feel that love and strength through these difficult times. We are meeting our little girl in 2 weeks and you are a huge reason for that. Thank you for your work.

Patti said...

I could have written this post, as far as the financial stress of the past few years. I hate watching my friends go through it as much as I hate us going through it. My husband had a tile business for 15 years, and it tanked with the economy. He's been working so hard in sales the past two years, but it's been a loooong uphill climb. You are so right- our only hope is to cling to Jesus. Love your heart, and love that you do so much to raise $ for others when you are struggling yourself. God will bless you for that, friend !! oxoxox

Melissa said...

I hate that you have been struggling so much, but I am in awe of you faith in such adverse times. I will keep your family, and especially your husband, in my prayers.