Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Insane Thoughts

I love the lip

I know I left off with me and Peter on our way to the hospital, but I an going to get off track today. I'll continue Emilia's story soon.

But yesterday I was talking to Peter and I told him what my very first thought was when I heard Em most likely had DS. I keep saying "most likely" because we declined the amnio that would tell us for sure. One thing I promised myself is that when writing these posts I would be honest, whether it was flattering or not. How can you help someone if you paint a false picture of yourself. And truth be known, I wasn't jumping up and down with joy when we first heard the words dS.
Any way and this may sound goofy or selfish , and you're probably right, but my first thought was " Oh my goodness, she won't have pretty eyes like the rest of our children". My thoughts back then were that people with DS were defined by their eyes. You could tell if someone has ds from their eyes. I was all wrapped up in a "look". One that my baby was going to have and one that she wasn't going to have.

Again, God was listening. And in His loving and caring way, put me in my place yet again. Emilia is baby number six. All of our kids do have beautiful eyes. All lovely shades of brown, topaz and even a little green(Bella). but the fairest of them all is EMILIA! When she was born the first place I looked were into her eyes. They screamed DS, and they were the most beautiful eyes I ever saw. Not because they were blue (I couldn't tell at that moment what color they were) but because they were mine. God just threw the blue in there for kicks.
What I'm getting at here is , if you are struggling with a pregnancy, or you think you thoughts are crazy, they're not. I want my honesty to comfort someone. If you read this and say,"wow, I thought only I had thoughts like that", then great! You know you're not alone.

Gotta fly, the kids are going to be sooo late for school!


Lacey said...

It funny when Jax was born I wasn't worried about the DS at all. But the DS was a surprise, we had no idea before he was born. There was a few times after that when I would look at him and think at that moment he looked really downs, and other times not at all.

LizBeth said...

Sometimes it is wise to be careful sharing thoughts one on one. People who don't have a child with Down's (or other "syndrome") may have a hard time understanding how you could think the things you might think. You can think some things that might seem a little whack-o, but they will probably not understand the motive or the fears behind the thought. Well, if you've ever been there, you know what I mean. If not, no sweat. Liz

Meghan said...

Delurking to say the new header pic is fabulous! She has beautiful blue eyes!!

Michelle said...

She is so beautiful and have I mentioned I love the new look?? I totally understand crazy thoughts. I'm so appreciative that you could share...it helps me so much to know that i'm not the only one with them! Be them crazy or not...they are real and there is comfort in knowing you are not the only one thinking things you think you shouldn't, know what i mean??

Chris said...

I don't think there is such a thing as crazy or insane thoughts. You feel what you feel. It's your life, your journey, your family, your child. There is no right way to feel. I am all about the honesty. Dare I say it, I suspect even those people who only share the positive and upbeat even have some so called crazy thoughts. I am so glad that when you did look in her eyes you saw perfection. Told you before and I'll tell you again--she's beautiful!

scrappy quilter said...

I'm so glad you're being honest. It's not all easy and we do have thoughts that we think might be crazy or insane. They aren't...they are legit. Having a son who had DS and is now 19...it's not all good. There are struggles and at times it can get down right scarey as a parent and yet we continue on.

I'm so glad that your sweet baby has the most beautiful eyes and the absolute BEST smile on earth.

I can't wait to hear more of her story...it's so precious to read this. Hugs..

Tina said...

...and just look at those eyes, could they be more beautiful, could she be more beautiful. I totally understand the crazy thought process, I had my time too with selfish and crazy thoughts as I wrote in my blog and I'm glad to hear your honesty, I thought I was one of the few imperfect mothers. But there really can't be a right or wrong to how something makes us feel, how we deal with it afterwards is what counts.
I#m enjoying reading Emmie's story and look forward to your next update :)

Elisabeth- Truly Blessed said...

What a beautiful gift you've been given! And I do believe that many times God's greatest gifts are the ones we aren't expecting.
Thank you for sharing your story.
In Him,

Mom Of Many said...

Oh how thankful I am for your transparency. Your vulnerability is refreshing! How thankful I am that you are my friend!! xo

PS Emilia has the most gorgeous eyes!!