Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Not A Good Day...

Feeling like a bit of a time bomb today. So I figure the best way to keep from taking my anger out on others is to sit down and write. Write what?  Honestly, I don't know. I haven't got a game plan here. All I know is that almost seven months ago my heart was shredded when Russia closed it's doors to  Americans adopting.

My heart belongs to a little one named Carina and always will.  Forget her? Move on? Suck it up? NEVER!

(If you're not in the mood to hear about Carina or Russia or adoption than opt out now. No feelings hurt here. )

We wanted her. We were trying to figure out how we could possibly qualify to adopt. We were so close. We were checking things off left and right. Private insurance, income qualifications, even the amount of children at home (we have one too many) looked promising as the guidelines changed slightly. Allowing for up to 7 at home including the child being adopted if some were teenagers. That would be us! 

Everything was coming together.   But all the while I just prayed that if it wasn't us than someone would come forward for Carina. I just wanted her out of there. She was at the age that transfer to an institution was inevitable
My husband was getting a sizable Christmas bonus and I was planing on gently persuading him to use it for a home study. 

Then everything came tumbling down. My husband lost his job in October, and we lost everything...including any chance of Carina being ours. 

We clung to our faith, picked ourselves up once again, and planned to start ,yet again.

I kept thinking the New Year will bring us a new beginning. I had such hope!
I was fund raising as much as I could and her account was growing. All the while , I secretly prayed we were raising the funds for ourselves. How I loved her! More and more each day.

Then came Christmas Day, and then the day after... The news... Russia is closed to Americans Adopting

And it was over. She was lost, gone, unreachable. Just like that. Putin ended our dream. Cut our ties, and left me literally gasping for air.
  And not just me, but hundreds of families,and advocates. 

I swear if you listened with your heart you could hear the cries of mothers mourning the loss of children they had already held, and promised to return for. 

And me? How could I compare my pain to theirs? 

I never held Carina. I never even saw her from afar. She has no idea I exist. 

So, how dare I have pain?

I don't know. But I do. And some days it's paralyzing. Today is not a good day.

Today I wonder if she is hot. Wouldn't a cool bath feel good to her right now. To sit under a tree and feel a cool breeze. Today I couldn't hold back the tears as I drove and some song reminded me of her. today I don't dare look at her little face that I have in almost every room of my house. And as I type the tears flow. 

There are days I wonder if she is still alive. And there are days I ask God to rescue her. Just take her to heaven if there's no hope left, please just take her to heaven. I can't bear the thought of her suffering in an institution.

Today, I'm not comparing myself to the mothers who met their children. I am just me.The only mom she has. Self appointed , yes, I guess so. But I know my heart couldn't love her anymore if I was a court approved parent. And I've held her in my heart and in my dreams for two years now. 

I promised to get her out of there, and I failed. I will never let her be forgotten. 

Today stinks!
Trying to act like I'm okay, stinks!
No one freaking gets it! WTF!  A country has closed it's doors! Families are devastated! Families I know! And still it's like you get  this dazed and glazed look from people when you talk about it. 
 I mean seriously you didn't have to be in the middle of an adoption or heavily advocating for a child to see the severity of this situation.. or do you?  Is this just a problem within that small community of people adopting? Is this something they will just have to get over on their own? 

Do people really not see what's happening? 



The Russian government  won't take care of the children, unless you call digging a shallow grave taking care of things.

Today stinks!
Worrying constantly and being unable to do anything to help stinks!
Not knowing stinks, and knowing stinks!



Rochelle said...

No, people don't want to take notice. Look the other way and we don't have to act like we see anything. AHHH history keeps repeating itself. When will the world wake up?

♥ you and your heart my friend. You have every right to be mad and feel pain. You love this girl and prayerfully one day she will be home with you!

my family said...

my friend I know what you mean I still think about benji and bogdan very very ofter. How happy and relieved I was when I heard the marble family was going to get him and then everything that happened out of their heart broke and of course for them also.then the doors shut on benji. I wonder the same as to how our love can be so strong for the children we have never laid an eye on. How can our hearts be torn so?. Why is it so difficult so so many other to get it?

hugs, prayers and lots of love coming your way

Robin E. said...

Steph, I am praying for you sweetie, and for Carina. So sorry your day was so bad. :(