Monday, March 12, 2012

All Of Me

" Afraid to love
Something that could break
Could I move on
If you were torn away?
And I'm so close to what I can't control
I can't give you half my heart
And pray He makes you whole"

Powerful words don't you think?  The first time I heard this song by Matt Hammitt, I couldn't relate to it. He wrote it about his son who was born with a very serious heart condition. 

I felt bad and prayed his son would be okay, but I felt I had nothing in common with Matt's obvious concerns about his son. Then one day I was in the car waiting for the girls, and this song came on. This time I listened , really listened to the words and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

This is exactly how I felt, before Emilia was born. I was afraid to love her. What if I gave my heart away and she didn't make it. Like the doctors kept telling me... 75% die in utero. 

"I won't let sadness steal you from my arms
I won't let pain keep you from my heart
I'll trade the fear of all that I could lose
For every moment I share with you "

I was letting sadness steal her! And my pain was keeping her from my heart. You know, I didn't buy her anything until I was almost at my due date.  I would wander into the baby department and look, but I never bought anything. I was terrified to have any baby things in the house. God, just thinking about it brings all those emotions back to the surface and I can see now, what a mess I really was.  

I was terrified of losing her, and terrified of having her. 

This is so hard to think about. But I feel it's necessary. Anyone visiting my blog today, sees the end result. We are blessed and happy and we laugh everyday because of Emilia. 
But the fears I had while I was pregnant were overwhelming and all consuming!

I was torn between wanting her and wanting to run away from her.  There were days I felt incompetent, and some days I felt like I could take on the world. I wanted to get ready for her , but still felt I should be prepared to lose her. My heart, I kept locked up, while I tried to love her, but not get too attached. 

It is impossible to keep all that up for any length of time and not go crazy! 
And believe me , I had crazy covered!

And then she was born. She made it!

"Heaven brought you to this moment, it's too wonderful to speak
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me
So let me recklessly love you, even if I bleed
You're worth all of me, you're worth all of me "

And I didn't even have to try. All those months of thinking I was protecting myself, my heart. My heart was hers! She took my breath away, and I haven't caught it yet!

You're gonna have all of me
You're gonna have all of me
'Cause you're worth every falling tear
You're worth facing any fear
You're gonna know all my love
Even if it's not enough
Enough to mend our broken hearts
But giving you all of me is where I'll start

Emilia has all of me, everything I've got! I look at her and at times I'm so overwhelmed with love I have to turn away because it's just too much. I feel as though my heart cannot bear that much love all at once. All that love I tried to hold back when I was pregnant found it's way from me to her, a billion times over.

I long to reach out to mothers who are in the same shoes I was in. I so want to take your fears away. I want to dispel the ugly myths about Down syndrome and bring all it's beauty in to the light where it belongs. Because it is beauty I see every day in Emilia. Absolutely nothing else, but pure beauty. And I don't mean just her physical beauty. But the beauty within her that radiates outward and touches everyone around her. 


DebW said...

Her inner beauty shows on the outer beauty of her face. What a beautiful little girl! Love your posts.

my family said...

beautiful Steph

Rochelle said...

Beautiful. Praying that many new moms find your blog and are comforted by your words and Em!

Stori said...

She is beautiful, and I can tell, very loved! Thank you for sharing her smile with us fellow bloggers :).